I find TV so frustrating!  Until a few months ago, I would soak it all in and just let it drift through my mind.  Like the AA Big Book says, I wanted to be the director of the movie-fantasy playing in my mind.  I really didn't care about the plot. I'd watch weekly sitcoms and think rude thoughts about how their B-Actors got their jobs or who's relatives they must be, etc.  But I really didn't care because I was just soaking it all up visually.

Then I joined SA... and that's when the anger and frustration really hit me hard.  Advertisers know that sex sells. They know that even other women are four times more likely to look at an advert if it has a woman in it.  We are drawn to beauty...  this is hardwired in for the continuation of our species.  But why was I so angry?  My home group members let me vent about the issue recently. After the meeting, one member told me, "They (the advertisers) aren't going to change.  You have to!" Now it's finally sinking in...I have to change.  Is it fair?  NO!  Can I be angry and resentful? Sure...maybe for a little while...then I need to change.

Last night, while watching TV with my wife I suddenly exclaimed, "You see this is why I can't watch this (crime) show anymore! To act the part of a smart, professional detective, she (the actress) needs to cover up!  She doesn't need to wear those clothes to get noticed!"  When I realized that I was thinking out loud, I glanced with embarassment at my wife but she was smiling.  That smile of acceptance meant more to me than a month of acting out.  I'm thankful for that moment.

As I took inventory before bed, I realized that I was slowly beginning to change. It gave me hope that, with God's help, I can overcome lust.  I can slowly turn my gaze back to Him. When I see an attractive women, I can be thankful to my Creator, with the same awe and respect I have when looking at nature - what my mom used to call, "God's patchwork quilt."  I can focus on a woman's eyes and on the true story that she is trying to tell me - the reality of who she is, as a creature of God, not the lustful lie and fantasy that I would I create in my mind.

I'm still struggling, but I beginning to understand that God is God and I am not!